A few years ago I was speaking at a church.  I shared a message on forgiveness.  After the service, a lady came up to me and said: “It was a great sermon, but you don’t know what ‘i’ve been through.”  Which was true.  I didn’t.  Forgiveness is hard.  Forgiveness is the core issue of the Christian faith.  Clearly, the message of the cross is that Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross to take away the sins of the humanity.  As a counselor, one of the things that is clear to me is that forgiveness is not only an important issue for people who are Christians, but it is equally important for those who want to be healthy.  However, there are many ideas about forgiveness that are simply untrue.  Below are several myths about forgiveness.

Forgiving is Forgetting

This is my favorite forgiveness myth.  We have all heard it before.  Forgiving is forgetting and if haven’t forgotten, then you haven’t forgiven.  This is simply untrue.  And it may be true that human beings are not capable of forgetting.  It is true that Isaiah 43:25 says:  “I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”  God is capable of not remembering but it is never suggested that human beings are capable of this. And the Bible never suggests a correlation between forgiving and forgetting.  However, it is possible that with a forgiving heart, difficult memories occupy a less prominent place in our thinking. 

Forgiving Is Optional

Well, yes and no.  Yes, you’ve been given free will and no one can take that away.  You can’t be forced to do anything including to forgive.  In that way it is optional.  However, on the other hand, forgiveness is expected for the Christian.  In Matthew 6:15 Jesus plainly said: “if you do not forgive others, God will not forgive you.” Again in Matthew 18, Jesus tells the parable of the ungrateful servant.  At the conclusion of the parable, the servant is punished.  Jesus then offers these words of commentary “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”   We can conclude from these passages that Jesus expects Christians to forgive others.

Forgiving Means Being a Doormat

There are many people who feel this way.  They have been hurt and feel dumped on.  In their mind, forgiving others means giving abusive, unpleasant people an opportunity to dump on them again.  This is not at all the message of the Bible about forgiveness.  There is a difference between forgiving others who hurt you and continuing to trust them.  It is a healthy thing to have boundaries.  Proverbs 25:17 says “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he has his fill of you and hates you.”  Proverbs 22:24 says “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man.”  These passages suggest having healthy boundaries.  We can forgive others while at the same time having healthy boundaries.  You can forgive and not be a doormat.

Forgiving is Selfless

It does seem that forgiveness is selfless on the surface.  However, I suggest that real reason you should forgive is a selfish one.   Forgiving restores relationships.  But the reason you should forgive is for what it does for you.  When you forgive, it self-circuits bitterness.  Ephesians 4:31-32 says: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  In this passage, there is a contrast between bitterness and forgiveness.  The best reason to forgive is the impact it has on you.  Forgiveness is good for the person who does the forgiving.  So forgive,  But do it because of what it does for you a follower of Jesus.

Forgiveness is a core issue for Christians.  It is important not only for us to be forgiven by God, but that we forgive others as well.  Satan has used many strategies that are designed to minimize the importance of forgiveness.  He has been effetive at creating myths about forgiveness.  So, cultivate a forgiving heart as you live the Christian life.

School is in!  A new school year may be to some the same old thing.  It may simply be a continuation of last and the year before.  However, for some parents, a new school year includes fears and uncertainty about homework, school and social anxieties and host of other things.  In managing these problems with our children we need to find ways to take care of ourselves. This is what I wanted to touch on today.  Below you will find several suggestions for self care for parents.

Self-care is a Me-First Sensibility

You need to make it your business to take care of yourself.  There are many people who are so busy taking care of others that they neglect taking care of themselves.  Today’s parent has a lot on his mind,  He says things like “I just don’t have time.”  The reality is that self-care is a me-first sensibility.  You have to put yourself first.  You have to make a decision in your mind that taking care of yourself is as important as taking care of others or of taking care of your family.  This may be a sensibility that some people are uncomfortable with.

Self-Care is an intentional Activity

Self-care is intentional.  It’s something that you really should be doing on a regular basis, preferably daily.  The problem is many times parents don’t have a self-care routine or don’t think about their mental and emotional wellness until it’s a critical issue.  It is not accidental.  Parents are intentional about their jobs, taking care of family and house, and many other aspects of their lives.  They should intentional about their self-care routine as well.

Self-Care Means Having Fun

You need to have some fun.  But its hard to have fun when you’re worried about your children.   You need balance.  This means you need to find ways to have fun that are unrelated to your work.  You need non-work recreation.  Find a hobby, spend fun with your family, exercise, play golf or tennis, read books, etc.

Self-care Means Logging Off

Parenting never ends.  This means pressure to be a great parent is always there.  It might means being constantly engaged in the struggles of your children.  There needs to be a time that you are disengaged from the parenting worry.  You need this time to care for yourself so you can be present with you family.  As parents, this may seem like a difficult thing to do.  However, it is possible to have the balance of time being engaged and logged off.

Self-Care Means Taking Sleep Health Seriously

Being a parent is hard work.  All the pressure is on you.  Parents worry about their significant others, finances, and children.  That is a lot of pressure.  This pressure can affect sleeping habits.  The National Sleep Foundation suggests that adults need seven to nine hours of sleep a night.  However, it is possible to develop good sleep habits.  Good sleep health means that in general we go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day.  This might seem difficult to do but with good self-care habits, you can develop good sleep habits as well

Being a parent can be can be a difficult stress-inducing experience that many people may find overwhelming.  It is a challenge to maintain a healthy life and a family.    It is possible though to have both.  However, it requires an intentional decision to care for your cognitive, emotional and physical self.   Click here for the companion article on parenting during school.

School just started here in Alamance County.  I spoke to one of the teachers at my children’s school about his emotions about sending his daughter off to college in another state.  Maybe some parents rejoice at the idea of the children going back to school.  However, some others also struggle to send their kids away to school.  It is also possible that school might also represent a renewal of anxiety and tension for both parent and child.  So here are my suggested back to school parenting tips.

Reasonable Wake-up Habits

Children need to have well-defined expectations when it comes to the school year.  It is important for them to wake up a the same time every day.  They need to be given enough time to get ready.  They also need to have a good healthy breakfast.   Your child’s morning routine should also be absent of raised voices or conflict.  I know this is hard especially if you have a slow riser the way we do.  It can certainly be challenging.

Parental Homework Supervision

Homework!  I hate even thinking about it.  As someone who did homeschooling for several years with an unmotivated child, I hate to think about managing homework.  If you have a child with ADHD, or a learning complication then homework can be very difficult.  Many times even if your child is an older teenager they are going to need accountability.  This may include the use of planners and other educational tool designed to help children succeed.  But at the end of the parents need to supervise homework to make sure things get done.

Proactive Teacher Communication

Communicating with teachers and school officials can be an important part of helping your child to succeed in school.  Many schools will work with you on setting up accommodations for children that need them.  Many schools have special classes for children who need them.  No matter the situation, your child is the beneficiary of a good relationship between teacher and parent.  It may be best for you to initiate a discussion about your child’s needs and classroom performance.

Limited Late Day Screentime

Another big issue especially for teenagers today is screen time.  It can also be a problem for younger children as well.  Smartphones, TV, and video games can be a distraction.  They can interfere with household responsibilities, homework, and bedtime habits.  One possible strategy is to not have children using screens late in the day.  Screen time stimulates the brain.  let stimulation helps with bedtime.  This is especially true of children who take medicines that interfere with sleep.

Daily Parent-Child Quality Time

Attachments and strong long lasting relationships are built by spending time together.  Ten minutes spent doing something together with your child can be instrumental in crafting a strong, intimate parent-child relationship.  Such relationships can help with school, home, and social problems.  Alfred Adler wrote in depth about the advantages of positive parenting.  A positive relationship is a benefit to parent and child

Reasonable Bedtime

Finally, for children to do well in school, they need to have enough sleep.  The National Sleep Foundation suggests that children 6-13 need nine to eleven hours of sleep and children 14-18 need eight to ten hours of sleep.  As mentioned, decreasing screen time can help in reducing cognitive stimulation.  It is also important to have consistent expectations in regards to bedtime.  Keeping the same bedtime helps children know what to expect.

Finally, I know your children are going to do great this year.  I know you are going to do great at helping them to succeed.  Don’t forget to do self-care for yourself.  You and your family will benefit from you taking care of yourself.  If you are interested in tips about self-care, click herefor an article I wrote about it.

In 1980, Ozzy Osbourne wrote a song called Suicide Solution that appeared on his Blizzard of Ozz album (a great album if you happen to a metalhead).  There is some debate about what it is about.  In 1978, nine hundred people died in a suicide/murder plot at the hands of the cult leader Jim Jones.  More recently, Netflix has produced, 13 reasons why a show centering around the problem of suicide.  Finally, the problem of suicide has become into our consciousness again, two prominent people, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have committed suicide creating a heightened awareness of suicide awareness.  In the interest in combating the problem of suicide, I would like to offer the following warning signs.

Suicidal Talk

One of the ways we can help people around us who struggle with suicide is to be sensitive to them talking about thoughts of death.  This means they might think of death itself or different ways of dying.  They also might suggest that everyone would be better off without them around.  They might also think thoughts about being dead.  They also might have specific thoughts about harming themselves.  This type of preoccupation with death can be an indication that he or she might need help.

Intention to Commit Suicide

Another issue to think about is whether or not a person intends to hurt himself.  There’s a big difference between somebody who simply thinks about death and somebody who intends to hurt himself.  Intention is an escalation in how seriously at risk someone is.   Sometimes a person will have dark thoughts without any intention to hurt themselves.  However, sometimes a person might have thoughts of death and intend to act on it.

Plan to Commit Suicide

Finally, we should be concerned about our friend or family member who has a plan for how they might hurt themselves.  Someone who has a plan might already be thinking about the way they would commit suicide.  For instance, they might think “I’ll use a gun“ or “I’ll  hang myself.”  Consequently, we should be listening for the method of suicide they might use if they did it.  If a person has gotten so far they have begun planning how they would actually do it then the best course of action is to get them help.

If we have someone in our lives who struggle with suicidal thoughts, our objective should be to get them help.  You can pay attention to them.  Look for signs of suicidal thoughts, intention, and a plan.  Get them a counselor, take them to a physician, call 911, or take them to an emergency room.

My phone is completely out of control.  I thought I was someone who had balance.  I’m not one of those people who constantly has to have his phone in his hand.   Or least I didn’t think I was but apparently, I am.  And unfortunately, I am not aloneThis is a problem of smartphone imbalance.  And it is a very common problem.  A recent New York University study had some disturbing conclusions.  They discovered that smartphone use leads to compromised relationships and an unbalanced life. and physiological implications.  So what do people do who are frustrated by their spouse or child who never puts down their phone?

Turn It Off

One of the ways we can address smartphone imbalance is by turning them off.  The implication is that something is going to happen in the world or in my social circle that I am going to miss out on.  I’ll miss a text, a Facebook post, or a call.  This type of thinking leads to imbalance, and that imbalance affects many areas of life.  However, you can turn it off.  You don’t have to have your phone out 24 hours a day.  Are you really going to be taking calls and responding to texts in the middle of the night?  No, you’re not.  In most cases, the messages and calls we receive are not time sensitive.  They can wait.  Try to find a time that to turn your phone off or put it away.

There’s An App For That

If you’re interested in correcting your smartphone imbalance, one of the things you should be aware of how much you use your phone.  This is a problem of measurement.  Although you should ask yourself things like “do I always need my phone in my hand or near me?” there are other more scientific ways to measure whether or not your smartphone has taken over your life.  And as they say “there’s an APP for that.”  There are APPs both on the Apple Appstore and the Google play area for measuring phone use.  I find that searching “smartphone use” will pull up a variety of options that can help measure phone use habits.  The APP I use measures the number of times I  pick up my phone and how long I use each time.

Plan for times that your phone isn’t needed

If you do find that you do struggle with smartphone imbalance, there are some things you can do about it.  Just as well plan our lives and schedule for activities and responsibilities that are important, we can plan for times we don’t have to be on our phone.   Is it necessary to have your phone when you have dinner?  There was a time when doing something like messing with a phone or answering texts at the table would have been unheard of.  However, our culture has clearly changed.  You can also change your phone habits when you go out socially.  It is possible to plan to put your phone away in social situations.  And it is possible to plan to decrease your phone use at home.  Another situation that might warrant decreased cell phone use is bedtime.  Late night phone use can interfere with sleep and relationships.

Plan For Offline Activities

Finally, planning for offline activities can help with a smartphone imbalance.  One of the problems excessive phone activity can create is physical inactivity.  One of the things you can do to combat this problem is to plan for more offline activities.  Spend unconnected time with family.  Go to the park or dog park.  Go hiking.  Get involved in some kind of group.  Take a class with someone.  There is an endless number of things you could do that are disconnected.

The core problem with people who have a smartphone imbalance is one of connection versus disconnection.  Research shows that the more connected one is online the more disconnected one is to other people.  And smartphone use can affect mental and physical health.  Click here for the companion article about the health effects of smartphone use.

Every once in a while, my wife and I go to a restaurant.  My Daddy job is to ask the host or hostess for a table.  After having done so, I go and sit down in one of those super-uncomfortable seats and realize nobody is talking to each other.  Typically, everybody has their smartphones out and is texting.  Nobody talks to each other.  Psychologists and researchers are now beginning to study the effects of the use of smartphones on brain functioning.  Digital wellness is a new area of study.  In fact, Liberty University has recently started the first Center for Digital Wellness.  Many other universities will surely do the same thing soon.  So why is it that unchecked smartphone use is so problematic?  I suggest several reasons below.

Unchecked Smartphone Use Affects Brain Health

It’s just now becoming clear how technology and smartphones in particular, affect healthy living.  What is clear is that the smartphone revolution is completely out of control.  It’s also clear that it’s affecting brain health.  Smartphone use has contributed to increases in depression.  Although not exactly the same, smartphone use causes dopamine to be released in a similar way as alcohol and drugs.  This release of dopamine drives smartphone users towards increased use.

Unchecked Smartphone Affects Emotional Health

Unchecked smartphone use can affect how emotionally healthy we are as well.  Since the advent of smartphones, there have been increases in narcissism.  According to Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd, narcissism has increased by 30%.  Yikes, that can’t be good for us either individually or collectively.  One obvious implication of smartphone use and the increase of narcissism is the prevalence of selfies.  There was a time when the idea of taking pictures of yourself would be outlandish.  However, today it is common for people to have a smartphone and Facebook full of selfies.

Unchecked Smartphone Use Affects Our Connection With Others

Smartphones have negatively affected our health in so many ways and that includes the ability to relate to others.  As smartphone and social media contacts increase, the ability to connect with other decreases.  Another problem with unchecked smartphone use is that it promotes loneliness.  A New York University study suggests that the younger someone is the more they use their smartphone.  They conclude that younger smartphone users use there smartphone on average as much as twelve hours a day.  This degree of smartphone use negatively impacts relationships.

Unchecked Smartphone Affects Physical Health

Not only does unchecked smartphone use affect us emotionally and relationally, but it can have very real physical effects as well.  The dangers of the correlation between driving and texting have been well documented.  Since the increase in the use of smartphones, there has also been an increase in neck and back problems.  The increased inactivity created by smartphones and similar technologies have also contributed to increases in physical health.  One such example is the problem of obesity.

Although it is unclear what the long-term impact of smartphone use is, it is clear that caution is needed.  Making healthy choices means taking into account the ways in which you are influenced by the people and things around you.  This should include considering what impact your smartphone use might have on you.